Music has such power. I’ve always loved music in almost every form or genre for the mood that can be captured. I just put on a station that is playing a song that stirs such intense emotions in me — Yanni’s Almost a Whisper.
So paradoxical is my association of this song with a time when anxiety was in my every labored breath. I was probably in a state of panic for 6 weeks without a break. Sleep, when I was able to induce it with substances or thru sheer will, was my only break from a whirlwind of thoughts and judgments and regrets, anger, pain, emotional suffering. I was 21 years old and unable to find acceptance in the circumstances of my decisions. I had no idea what I was doing. I just wanted to pain to stop. This was one of my first real lessons in learning how to move energy within my body. It was a crash course in love, heartbreak, self-judgment and acceptance. This was induced by a relationship gone astray. I know now that the pattern was set up long before as a young child, but the catalyst was a girl.
I find it amazing that I can tap this memory in a moment through hearing a song, this delicate song with such power. At that time, I was so steeped in the most extreme dark music available, Thrash Metal, Hardcore, and Punk. How did I find my way to Yanni? Could it have been a part of me that needed to step forward and find something else? Either way, it set up a new avenue for me to find a point of focus, and eye in the storm to center myself and lead me back to stasis.
I remember it took awhile, and the major turning point was when I simply stopped and made the statement to myself that I had had enough. I sat on the couch and weeped for several hours before falling into a peaceful sleep. This pattern would still play out over and over in years to come, but this one was finally past. Oddly enough, she called me the next day. I did not understand the energetic interplay of making emotional headway and how it shapes all relationships around us. Not then, did I see how taking those steps moved those around me and with which I had strong connections. That was something I would learn later on. This was just a warm up for the turmoil that awaited in the future instances of this pattern.