I woke up this morning with a song playing in my head—Dead Wishes by Chris Cornell. This happens from time to time, and I try to take head. Music has always been a way for me to connect with my subconscious and things considered beyond normal waking consciousness. For me, this brings up deep feelings of stagnation and imagery of the extensive field of withering vines holding all those big plans and dreams never acted upon or followed through on.
I’m in place (time) where I am putting to rest many old ideas that very much need to go. Endings can be tough, especially before there is resolution. I have a bit of conflict between my career goals and my sense of security in the world. There’s that “old money stuff”—the outdated attitudes I’ve adopted from my family—that pulls at my pant leg whenever I think about those lofty dreams. But the time for all those dreams is drawing near. I can feel it. It’s ride or die time.
I have learned, though, that for new circumstances to manifest, the old must die away to make room. There is also no way an old energy pattern can exist if a new one comes into play. So, I am working on shedding that old “stuff.” It’s a process, and this writing is part of that.
I remember as a young adolescent coming to the conclusion that I had a purpose in my family of helping my parents in some emotional capacity. I was able to see their issues (or should I say I felt them?) and I knew there was a better way. This was shut down in many capacities until much later because of the thinking of that time. But, I see my own journey of self-discovery as a product of that entire dynamic. It began in the womb, and it ended when I dropped that last rose on my mother’s coffin as my wife and I turned and walked back to the limo. There was a freedom in the sorrow, but also in the fact that I KNEW my mother moved on free from the bonds of this earth, free from some of the family patterns that plagued her ancestors for generations. I felt whole and filled with meaning and purpose.
Of course, that is just half my story. I have another parent with ancestral history to contend with. How did this slip by? Well, growing up it was obvious that my mother’s family had issues, especially considering the bond I had with my mother. All her habits and self-sabotaging as well as her parents were right out there in plain sight. The other side was a bit more complicated. They were masters of shoving the darker side of their lives into Shadow with the kind of denial and mental gymnastics that cannot be described in a single blog post. But, shortly after my mother passed on, all of this came to light and I was on a path to navigating these experiences, drudging them up in myself to deal with them head-on.
It is easy to see now in retrospect. That journey had really only begun for me when my mom passed. That experience forced me out of my 5 senses to show what is really out there. I was a baby eagle kicked from the nest and forced to learn to fly. But, learning to fly is not easy. In fact, it serves as a great metaphor, but the reality of it is that I had to drudge through some deep shit to find my way to where I am now. And I’m not done. Somewhere between pessimism and forced optimism, I have to find a way to move forward and pave the way for others.