I’ve spend so much time, probably my entire life, feeling things and not acknowledging them. It seems I either felt it would get me in trouble or on the wrong end of ridicule, or did not truly believe there was any worth to expressing or sharing. As I become more aware of myself and of the deeper things driving me, I see the way this kept me hidden from view. That’s how I wanted it, I guess.
What the hell am I talking about, you ask? Well, it is a matter of generalizing, but if I want to be more specific, I am referring to my sense of how others close to me are feeling. I’ve always had a knack for saying exactly the thing that could set someone off or set them free. As it turns out, I’ve been given the mission of helping others (and myself) communicate better and connect better on this earth, starting with my family. It makes perfect sense, actually. I’m not sure why I never put it together before.
I spent a lot of time trying to reconcile growing up in a household where my mother had a tough time handling life. She had it rough growing up with congenital depression and addiction. It probably goes back before anyone can even track. But, I remember vividly as a very young child trying to comfort my mother in the throes of her particular expressions of her family curses and being dismissed and/or lashed out upon. As I got older, that feeling of wanting to help never subsided, even to this day.
Let’s not forget that I, too, inherited these traits and had to deal with them in my own way. In teen years there was rebellion, which turned into trying to educate myself through various philosophies. I would often spend lunch hours in the school library reading anything from Thoreau and Emerson to Blavatsky and Crowley. I immersed myself in Wiccan and other occult texts and absorbed as much as possible to gain some esoteric knowledge of what the hell was the reason why I/you/we/everyone exist(s) on this planet, seemingly floating around in the vast vacuum of infinite space with no other apparent life anywhere. What’s the point of all this?
During all this I experimented with the full gamut of psychedelics. I like to think I was responsible with the way I went about it, relatively speaking. (I’m sure some of those more detailed stories will emerge in future posts for you to judge for yourself.) The truth is that experimenting with the mind and delving into darkness within the self can have its own consequences. I was lucky, and I am sure I had support from forces beyond my understanding. Many of my friends growing up fell into more addictive patterns and got into horrific accidents. And, some did not make it to middle age. The simple fact remains: our own demise is a consequence of our family history and karma getting the best of us.
As I entered my twenties, a strange thing happened. My mother found Reiki through some of the other women in the neighborhood and they started a circle that met every Wednesday. One night, she asked if I would be interested and I said, ‘yeah, of course!’ I did not know what to expect. I had no experience with the new age or self help communities at that time. I think I was about 21 years old at the time. We sat in a circle of chairs and all greeted one another. Many of these women were friends and hung out socially. Then we stood and held hands around the circle and ‘gathered up our energy.’ Everyone closed there eyes as one woman spoke softly guiding the experience. I held my mom’s hand on the right, and some guy I had never met on the left. I closed my eyes and just stood there listening, breathing, and within a minute or two I felt a sensation growing from my hands up my arms that can only be described as electricity. At first I dismissed it as if maybe I was holding my arms the wrong way, cutting off some circulation, but it grew and it was unmistakable. Ever happen to be slightly touching the metal part of an electrical plug as you plug it into the wall and makes contact? No? Try it. This was the sensation. As it grew stronger, I opened my eyes and everyone was serenely standing there in their place in the circle.
… to be continued… more on growth experiences… Four Winds, mom…
I am here to help. After half a lifetime of gathering the tools, I understand what it takes, whether the world is ready to hear it or not.